My First 90 Days of Abstinence
October 22nd, 2025, marked my first 90 days of abstinence from compulsive overeating behaviors, binge foods, weight loss obsession, and diets/schemes.
The day went like any other – I went for a walk in the morning, took a shower, created social media content, worked from home, and stuck to my meal plan. It was mostly the same old same old Wednesday.
The only difference was that I had 90 days of abstinence under my belt, and it was also time to do my regular every-30-days weigh-in.
Why Weigh-In?
I find that weighing myself every 30 days helps me track any release (or loss) of excess weight, while keeping me honest and accountable regarding my eating behaviors. It also keeps me from weighing myself too often or letting the scale control any opinion I have of myself.
In the past, the scale had always been the defining factor of my worth. That little 3-digit number defined my effort, success, failure, sexiness, accomplishments, mood, and mindset.
I have been told several times that “it’s just a number” or “it’s just information”, but no matter how many times I repeated that to myself, I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t feel it. It was as if no matter what, the scale had control over me and my mind.
I remember stepping on the scale a few weeks after getting into recovery - I was devastated by the results - 340lbs. I began to freak out, and my mind instantly went to how I could compensate –
Should I restrict my next meal or next several meals?
Do I have the funds to sign up for a gym membership?
Would chugging 40oz of water right now help?
How about running in place until I can’t breathe?
Will that tough YouTube workout make me burn enough calories to lose a pound of fat?
Are there any new diets or weight loss programs I can try?
Should I swallow the vial of compounded Mounjaro that’s in my fridge?
What is the fastest solution right now?
Sitting at my desk, I began to cry while leaving a voice message for a friend, complaining about how hard it was to lose weight. I felt desperate, impatient, ashamed, and useless. All I wanted was relief.
A Turning Point
Through my tears, I noticed the red newcomers’ recovery brochure sitting on top of a pile of papers right in front of me. This brochure was given to me at my first meeting, along with a list of recovery members’ phone numbers.
A soft, gentle voice in the back of my head whispered, “Call someone on the list.”
Still crying and still desperate, I quickly unfolded the list and started dialing. The first few people did not answer, and I did not leave a message. I just kept frantically dialing, waiting for the 3rd or 4th ring, hung up, and moved to the next name on the list.
Eventually, someone answered. I started word vomiting hesitantly, “Uh, hi, this is Connie. I weighed myself today, and I’m really upset about the results. I can't stop thinking of ways to compensate.”
The person on the other end was calm, gentle, stable, and kind. They didn’t give me the same old “it’s just a number” speech or try to convince me that the scale was an inferior way to track progress. Instead, they asked, “What do you plan on eating for lunch today?”
“Why does that matter?” I thought. “Don’t you know I am fucking obese and the sky is falling?!”
I agitatedly responded, “Probably the same as I usually eat, chicken and broccoli. I want to turn the scale around.”
Their response lovingly and gently directed my attention to the brochure and to look over the meal plans. They suggested I try one for lunch and asked if I was willing not to binge that evening.
Desperate, I was willing to do whatever they said, even though I did not like it. I was grateful to focus on a healthier solution that I could act on right then and there. It wasn’t a solution I was used to, like doing a crazy workout, but instead it was balanced and attainable.
By the end of that phone call, I found the willingness and tried the suggested meal plan for lunch. On top of that, I miraculously went to bed without bingeing that night.
My 90 Day Weigh-In Results
Thinking back to my weigh-in results on my 60th day of abstinence, the scale said I lost 12lbs. Although excited about the news, I didn’t let it go to my head. I spoke to people from recovery to help me not get diet-excited, and I was grateful for the meal plan because it helped me stay abstinent enough to release some excess weight.
On day 90, however, the weight on the scale remained the same as the month before.
I expected to see the number decline and was overly frustrated that it didn’t. My initial gut reaction was to repeat that “few-weeks-into-the-program” episode I described above. I wanted to know why my weight stayed the same, what I was doing wrong, if I needed to do more, or compensate somehow. Fix, manage, and control!
Before recovery, that information would have sent me spiraling.
Then I remembered, I can act differently.
On this day, I had several choices that seemed to be laid out very clearly. Each choice is a valid one and has no morality tied to it. It wouldn’t make me less human for choosing ANY of these choices.
I could continue to freak out, forget the 90 days of abstinence, get back on a diet, or eat about it.
I could call someone from recovery, write about it, or read recovery literature.
Or I could feel my feelings, be frustrated, but still follow my meal plan - just follow it while being angry and disappointed.
After chatting with my dad and some other folks from recovery, I was able to rewire my brain, feel my feelings, follow my meal plan, and remind myself that the number on the scale did not truly matter. My worth and my identity no longer needed to be tied to it because, for the last 90 days, I wasn’t acting as “Connie the fat girl who is always on a diet.” Instead, I was acting as “Connie, a worthy girl taking care of her bullshit.”
Recovery isn’t about the number on the scale at all. It isn’t about how fast or how much weight I lose. It isn’t a weight-loss or diet club where we all share our tips and tricks to achieving that perfect summer bod.
It’s about untying my existence from the bondage of constantly needing to shrink myself for approval, attention, or love.
Those first 90 days of recovery taught me that I cannot control my body’s ability to change faster than it wants to. In theory, yes, I “should” have lost weight. I had been consistently walking three times a week, not eating any of my binge foods (like cake, candy, chocolate, pizza, etc), drinking 60-80oz of water a day, and sticking to my meal plan.
If I am being really honest, the issue was that I was getting carried away with full-sugar flavored coffee syrups in my coffee every morning. At the time, those foods were not on my binge foods list, but they are now. I deluded myself into thinking that I should have been losing weight, and I did not want to accept that my body does not react to sugar very well. I was maintaining, but I was not losing.
Either way, the fact still stands that my body is going to do what it wants to do. As much as I want to fix, manage, and control my weight, or wave a magic wand to skinny-land, I can’t.
Truthfully, I hate that. I absolutely loathe that I cannot bend my body to my will in whatever way I please. It just doesn’t feel fair!
What also doesn’t feel fair is seeing all the people out in the world who can eat and eat and eat and not gain a single pound!
What has brought me some understanding and a less glass-half-empty attitude is recognizing that those same people can’t control their bodies any more than I can control mine. My body will (or won’t) lose weight however it sees fit. Honestly, my weight is none of my business anymore (or anyone else’s for that matter).
This new mindset brings me such relief – the number on the scale is out of my hands.
Screw The Scale
My first 90 days shifted my perspective and taught me to be patient with my body. What matters is that I am not bingeing, eating the foods that provoke stinking thinking or other negative eating behaviors, or obsessing over a new diet trend or fitness gadget.
I am officially off the destructive diet and deprivation cycle.
Respectfully, screw the scale. It really is just a number.
No matter how much I weigh, I am practicing recovery-based behaviors that the scale can never take away from me.
Today, (and possibly just for today), I am free from the scale obsession. What a miracle!