Why Food Isn’t Really The Problem
To be honest, I have been procrastinating on this post like crazy!
This topic has always made me feel rather uncomfortable, forces me to think about all the different reasons why food was never really the issue, and doesn’t leave much room for me to be anything other than accountable for my own actions.
What a total suck-fest!
But… Necessary, nonetheless.
Compulsive Eaters are Wired Differently.
Part of my recovery involves reading and referencing certain literature to better understand my compulsion with food. The path of recovery I have chosen teaches that compulsive eaters are just like addicts, and we all think the same way. We are all wired differently from non-addicts.
Addicts, and therefore compulsive eaters, are characterized as “restless, irritable, and discontent.”
When I first read that, it was as if the sea parted and I was being seen for the first time. Call it a chemical imbalance, a spiritual malformation, trauma-induced, or just plain ole’ being an addict, compulsive eaters are always trying to find relief.
The Discontent
Thinking back to my childhood, I was constantly uncomfortable and self-conscious. I’m talkin’, hyper aware of how much space my body took up in a room by 8 years old! I constantly thought about things like how long the hair was on my arms, how large my calves and hands were, how much daintier all the other girls were, and how others never picked me for anything (which I blamed my size on).
This is the feeling of “discontent”.
A friend of mine in recovery once described it this way: if you take away the substance of abuse, addicts of any kind feel so uncomfortable all the time, it’s as if their arms are too long, legs are too short, and their head is too heavy for their neck. They just don't feel like they fit in. Anywhere.
Simply put, we don’t feel normal, and our drug of choice helps numb/sedate that feeling.
Here are some of the ways discontent was present in my life:
Constantly adjusting my clothing.
Refusing to go more than a few days without shaving.
Sucking in my stomach (until it got too big to do so).
Hid behind clothing that was 2 or 3 sizes too large (until I could barely get clothing in my actual size).
Obsessing over what other people were thinking of me.
Comparing my body to every single girl I came across/saw, even when watching them on a device.
Wore all black to make myself look thinner.
Allowed toxic people to hold big roles in my life for the sake of not feeling alone.
Stuffed myself until I was uncomfortably full or sick, multiple times a day, every day.
Created drama and jealousy in romantic relationships.
Had sex with the lights off.
Today, I am not as self-conscious or worried about what other people think of me. I would not be here writing this if I were! I can post myself on social media without a filter, I don’t wear makeup, I work out in public without a bra on, and I can live without being consumed with food noise.
I still get twinges of discontent from time to time, but thankfully, recovery and age have eased a lot of that for me!
The Irritability
As for the irritability part, I remember being uber emotionally dysregulated. When anything, and I mean anything, did not go the way I wanted or expected, I would burst out in curse words, be overdramatic and aggressive, and act like the world was ending.
It was as if I was always dialed to rage, and the tiniest inconvenience released my inner ogre.
When I was living with my ex-boyfriend, I would make myself breakfast every morning as he was getting ready to leave for work. I typically cooked two over-easy eggs with whatever else I was having. Whenever the yolk popped or cooked through too much, I would literally exclaim “fuck!” or “God dammit!” at the eggs (as if they weren’t cooking perfectly on purpose) and would toss the spatula into the sink a little too loudly.
I might as well have stomped my foot and started crying! LOL!
My ex eventually told me it made him uncomfortable every time I got heated over something so small. He said, “You know how when your dad gets visibly upset, and he’s letting his rage pour out all over the place? He’s slamming cabinets too hard, yelling at inanimate objects, or speaking really aggressively? And you know how it alters the atmosphere within the entire house? Well, when you yell at your eggs, it alters the atmosphere.”
Although I was deeply wounded by that comment at the time, hindsight is 20/20, and he was absolutely right! I was acting like a rageful, childish little brat, and he had every reason to feel uncomfortable in a home where this brat was disrupting the peace.
Looking back on my life, this was how I lived all the time. I was reactive and ready to wreck the world, even when circumstances did not call for the fight, flight, or freeze mentality. I understand that I was raised in survival mode; however, even after being out of that childhood home for years, I still struggled to control my anger.
The only thing that soothed my inner rage was food. I had no other solutions available to me that took the irritability away for good. When I did not get to eat the way I wanted, when I wanted, and how I wanted, I was not very pleasant to be around.
Thankfully, and eventually, by the time I turned 29, I learned how to breathe and create space before reacting when my body felt that intense white-hot rage. Recovery taught me to look within and see that the rage was a result of deeply rooted pain and trauma, most of which was built from my own perceptions throughout life.
The good news? I am in a better place and can pinpoint where my feelings are stemming from. No more crying over bursting egg yolks!
The Restlessness
I cannot emphasize enough how much the restlessness part of being a compulsive eater is still alive and kicking in my life today! When I first heard the word “restless,” I thought it just meant shaking my foot, fidgeting, stimming, or needing to have my phone in my hands at all times.
Nope.
Although that is part of it, it really means that my brain cannot settle down. There is a team of hamsters up there taking turns to keep the wheel spinning, and it sounds like a constant buzzing!
It. Never. Stops.
As a result, I always felt like I needed to be doing something, such as being overly busy, eating all the time, overcommitting, obsessing over relationships, yo-yo dieting, you name it, the list never ends!
I was attempting to run away from the constant jibber jabber that are my thoughts.
One time, I read a self-help book that suggested I sit on the couch and do absolutely nothing for 5 minutes. Set a timer, sit there without a phone, no background noise, no TV, and be still with no distractions. Just sit and do nothing.
I lasted 2 minutes before I started bawling my eyes out.
Not only were my thoughts insanely loud, but I had finally stopped long enough to feel what I was feeling for the first time in years. I was so used to using food, obsessions, people, places, and things to numb me that I had no idea I felt like that. At the time, it was very eye-opening and terrifying, and I wasn’t ready to change, so of course, I went right back to ripping and running.
As I mentioned, restlessness is still very present in me to this day. However, I am grateful that I found avenues that not only channel that restlessness into ways that are productive and healthy, but I have also been able to find time to slow down. Recovery has taught me to be open to meditation, prayer, silence, and stillness. I try to practice that for a few minutes every day to reconnect to myself and quiet my mind, even if it’s just a 1-minute breathing exercise.
We are constantly being funneled information, stimulation, and dopamine hits in the form of social media, TV, advertisements, material items, etc. Everyone wants our eyeballs! It’s no wonder our attention spans for what matters are shorter, our ability to be present is shrinking, and our connections are suffering. Codependency on our phones and other distractions are very real addictions, and a topic for a whole other blog post.
The good thing is that my life is much calmer now. I take an ADHD medication that helps me function and keeps me focused enough to start and finish tasks. Without that medication, my thoughts are about 10 times louder, and my ability to do anything for more than 5 minutes is, well, impossible. I also don’t think I would be open to certain recovery practices if I didn’t take this medication!
I definitely would not be able to own and run a business, maintain a blog, post to multiple social media accounts daily, or succeed at my 9-5 as well as I do without this medication that calms some of that mental restlessness.
There is no shame in needing medication to assist with correcting mental health issues, by the way. I do not believe my medication has fixed me whatsoever. In fact, I took this medication for several years before getting into recovery, and still couldn’t manage my compulsive eating on my own. My medication, in conjunction with recovery, has helped me become abstinent, but medication alone will not fix me. I should know, I tried!
Arguably, it won’t fix you either. But if you need it to assist? There is nothing wrong with at! If you are curious about my medication history, read my post “I’m Medicated.”
All of this to say, restlessness has been a massive part of what makes me a compulsive eater. I was always trying to sedate myself with food so I could calm down enough to be present in life. Unfortunately, food only made it easier for me to keep living the way I was living - in total madness.
What is the Real Problem, then?
You're not gonna like this, but it’s you.
Food, dieting, relationships, sex, drugs, alcohol, social media, people, insert vice here, are all just external things we use to try and make the internal us feel better.
For whatever reason, addicts and compulsive eaters alike are wired differently than non-addicts. We are constantly chasing, running, seeking something to make us feel good enough, happy, worthy, lovable.
Normal.
The hilarious part is that the one thing we never think to do unless we hit our heads hard enough (and sometimes that doesn’t even work) is take a long, hard look inward at what is really going on.
We are so self-absorbed, prideful, and egotistical that we cannot admit that we are simply fucked up individuals and we need correction.
If I think about it and am really honest, it makes perfect sense why it took me so long to stop doing the same things over and over and expecting a different result.
I enjoyed it. Partaking in all my obsessions gave me a rush of adrenaline, dopamine, and comfort, especially overeating.
If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. I thought I had a habitual system in place that kept me in control. Looking back, that’s completely delusional, but in the thick of it? I didn’t see it that way.
I blamed everything around me for why I couldn’t put the fork down. If only my dad told me I was pretty, if my mom would stop drinking, if only my boyfriend wanted to have sex with me, if only I had a ton of friends, if only, if only, if only. -plays a tiny violin-
I believed I was better than. My contempt was very strong, and I would look down on others and be judgmental for the tiniest of things. It kept me from humbling myself enough to see I was, in fact, not queen shit. In fact, very far from it.
I could easily blame family, schoolmates, strangers, and society for why I acted out through food, gained weight, was mean/nasty to people, or didn’t think of anyone other than myself. Unfortunately, and realistically, that’s a complete and utter cop-out!
Why? Because no one shoved food in my face. No one told me to use food as a way to cope. And no one forced me to do anything I knew deep down I shouldn’t be doing; I chose all of that.
I chose to be self-destructive and used the deluded rationalization that it was because of everyone else! This justification kept me deluded enough to feel less guilty about my bad behavior, but everyone else saw right through it. It may not have been conscious decision-making, but I still made those choices.
Additionally, people have opinions, and discrimination against fat folks is a real thing. At some point, I had to take responsibility for the fact that people were making fun of something true –
I was and still am obese. They were just (rudely) pointing it out.
On top of that, it was no one else’s responsibility but my own to take care of myself. I chose to keep running away from the constant irritability, discontent, and restlessness that were my every waking moment, rather than getting help. Until now, of course.
Before You Come at Me
I do want to mention that trauma is a real thing, and it is not excluded from the reasons why addicts feel the way they do. We all have a story, and I know mine did a number on me. So please don’t take any of this as me saying, “you should have known better,” because I don’t believe that’s true. We always work with the information we have at the time, and if yours was chaos, abuse, trauma, etc., then of course that impacted your decisions.
The exact same way it impacted mine!
Our wounds dictate the capacity at which we are able to love, and that includes how we love and take care of ourselves.
At this point, if you are aware you are a compulsive eater (or an addict of anything, really), then it’s now up to you to manage it. It’s not the mature or self-loving option to continue blaming external circumstances or not choosing to get help, even though you are aware of your illness.
I’m not telling you that you HAVE to go get help, by the way. It is totally acceptable to keep doing what you’re doing if you're not ready to face your demons. I wasn’t ready for nearly 20 years! So by all means, keep on keeping on! But…if you do not plan to change, and you're still blaming everyone and everything as to why you are the way you are, stop.
You are responsible for your actions. No one else is forcing you to do anything (if someone is, get help!). You are choosing to cope with your own restlessness, irritability, and discontent the way you are choosing to cope with it (or sedate it).
You are the problem, which means you are the solution.
Brilliant, if you ask me!
You get to choose differently. Which makes recovery from anything that much better because you want it. And when you succeed, you experience real accomplishment, and what it feels like to love yourself enough to take care of yourself.
You are worthy of being free from your demons, and you are the only thing getting in your way from experiencing that freedom.