How I Got Abstinent
I cannot begin to emphasize how limited and unhealthy my mindset was before getting into recovery.
When I think back to all of the solutions I had for my ongoing problems related to compulsive eating, my perspective was like looking through a keyhole.
For example, when I weighed myself and I wasn’t happy about the result, the only answer I had was to restrict my next meal, find a diet, and/or do a really difficult workout.
Oh yeah, and isolate, go on an extreme shame spiral, and binge on Hostess cakes and chocolate.
When I felt ugly or too fat, I went on social media apps like Snapchat and “expressed my body positivity” by posting inappropriate photos of myself. For a moment, the rush of adrenaline and the response from horny men made me forget how disgusted I felt toward myself.
Only for a moment.
When I was lonely, I would go on dating apps to talk to people who swiped right on me, but I had no intentions of ever meeting them in person. I didn’t really have much to say to anyone, so the conversations were quite dry and a waste of time.
I just wanted to feel wanted and validated.
All of this to say, I was in a very destructive and pointless cycle of using (and abusing) external forces to try to soothe my internal self. I was restless, irritable, and discontent all the time.
My Keyhole Point of View
By the time I knew I needed recovery, I had a one-track mind. My day-to-day pretty much looked something like this:
Waited as long as possible to eat after waking up to prove to myself I don’t need food, I don’t want it, and it doesn’t control me.
Did a difficult YouTube workout - my watch said I burned 600-700 calories in less than an hour. Who cares if my knees hurt?
Ate 10oz of chicken and 3 cups of broccoli for lunch. No carbs under any circumstances. Carbs = getting fat.
Snacked on several protein bars in between lunch and dinner.
Ate another 10oz of chicken, 3 cups of broccoli, and some noodles for dinner. I skipped the carb at lunch, so why not? I won’t gain a bunch of weight from this “one time.”
After dinner, watch TV on the couch for a couple of hours with a bag of goodies next to me (chocolate, baked goods, candy, etc.) I worked out and burned 600 calories; I made room.
Go into the kitchen and grab the ice cream after everyone goes to bed. No one will know it was me.
While I’m at it, dig that spoon into the canned frosting, peanut butter, and marshmallow fluff. 600 calories is a lot of room.
Get in bed after 11 or midnight with the bag of goodies from the couch, if there was anything left.
Watch TV in bed on my iPad till 2 am, snacking and snapchatting before finally falling asleep.
Wake up 5 minutes before clocking in to work and repeat.
As you can see, I wasn’t thinking about my family, friends, work, school, my future, or really anything other than myself and food. When I did have to think of those things, I would react emotionally, often visibly irritated and annoyed that my routine and eating schedule were interrupted.
And even though I felt “comfortable”, I was still incredibly unhappy. Food, dieting, the rationalization, the delusion, sweets, men, and late nights always felt good in the moment, but I never felt proud of myself the following day, which perpetuated the cycle.
When I was a kid, my dad once said, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.” He was totally right.
I kept doing the same things over and over: eating whatever I wanted, expecting to “work it off” and still lose weight. Honestly, I was killing myself with workouts and restricting just to maintain my body weight. Anything I “worked off” got eaten anyway, so I wouldn’t have lost weight no matter how deluded I became.
Going from Keyhole to Open Door Perspective
I hoped, desperately, that recovery would make me finally lose weight. As you can imagine, when they explained that recovery wasn’t a diet or calorie-counting club, I was pretty disappointed.
Looking back on it, I didn’t have a whole lot of motivation to go back after my first meeting, other than being completely desperate. I wanted recovery to fix me, for me (I didn’t want to be responsible for my bullshit). I got the message I needed to put in the work to heal myself, and that sucked. Especially because I felt like I was already putting in so much work, exhausting myself, unable to get out of the destructive cycle I had crafted.
Even with all that pessimism and the pity party I was throwing for myself, something told me to keep going back. So I did.
After a few weeks of attending recovery meetings, I weighed myself. I had an emotionally terrible reaction to it and was going to throw recovery out the window. I reached 340lbs for the 2nd time in my life. All of that work from my “comfortable” routine was not working.
I was devastated.
In that moment, the phone list from the meeting was staring me in the face. I picked it up and started dialing. Eventually, someone picked up.
“Hello,” they answered.
“Hi, this is Connie. I am having a really difficult time right now. I just weighed myself, and I am freaking out. All I can think about is restricting and skipping lunch.”
“Okay, did you eat today?” they responded.
What?! Why are they asking me that?! Did they not hear that my problem isn’t food, it’s my weight?
“Yeah, I did,” I said hesitantly.
“Good, good, what are you going to eat for lunch?”
Why are they asking this? “Uhm, maybe chicken and broccoli like usual, but I don’t think I should eat.”
They paused. “You should definitely eat! What about adding in some grains like rice or a starch like potatoes?”
“Oh no, I don’t eat that stuff,” I said.
“Hmm. Okay, have you looked at the recovery meal plans?” they asked softly.
“I browsed them.”
“Alright, are you willing to try one for lunch, just for today?” Again, asking softly and patiently.
I took a deep breath. Was I willing? Was I desperate enough to try a different solution than the ones I always used?
“Yes, I am willing,” I responded, slightly choked up.
I know this conversation doesn’t seem that important, but at the time, it felt like I was getting slapped in the face and like my shame spiral was being minimized or ignored.
What I didn’t notice in the moment was that their questions were very loving and caring. They wanted to ensure I focused on taking care of myself, and not on my weight or my past “solutions,” like restricting, exercise purging, or bingeing.
That day, I tried one of the meal plans for lunch and was pleasantly surprised because the meal was huge. I actually thought I was overeating! The meal included all the components I needed to feed myself properly – vegetables, starches/grains, protein, fruit, and fat. I was full and satisfied for hours afterward; I didn’t even need the usual protein bars between lunch and dinner.
The size of the meal actually made me think, “Man, if this is how filling these meals will be at every meal, I might be able to stick to this!” For the first time in a long time, I had a solution that did not require calorie counting or crazy diet regimes. Most importantly, I had hope.
That day, and the weeks that followed, I talked to several people from recovery. The following questions they asked helped change my perspective and strengthen my hope in recovery over time:
Have you eaten today? - So important because eating is part of fueling our bodies, and we all deserve to take care of ourselves.
What do you plan on eating today? - Having a plan or idea of what is going to come takes the guesswork out of it and keeps us from being compulsive with our food decisions once we get hungry again.
Are you willing to try the meal plan for your next meal? - Trying that structured lunch, for just that ONE meal, changed my life. It made me excited to try it for dinner and breakfast, because little did I know, I craved the boundaries. I was out of control, and knowing what I needed to be eating to fuel myself helped me gain more control.
Have you written down your binge foods? - Writing these foods down made it real. I couldn’t keep hiding from it. If I had a tangible list to read, it made it harder for me to rationalize eating the foods on it. (You can find my binge foods list here.)
Are you willing to not eat binge foods, just for today? - Staying in just for today has become my mantra. Waking up every morning and asking myself this question has been a huge reason why I am successfully abstinent. All I need to worry about is today.
Are you willing to not binge/overeat on anything, just for today? - Same as above, just focused more on the overeating and bingeing behaviors.
What time do you go to bed? - I was reluctant to go to bed at a decent hour because I enjoyed staying up late while eating alone. Getting in bed earlier helped me get on a better sleep schedule so I could actually wake up early enough to eat breakfast before work started. Which, in turn, helped me maintain my abstinence.
Follow up: Are you willing to have a bedtime? - If you are like me and are reluctant to go to bed earlier, it was helpful when someone negotiated that I get in bed at a decent hour. I didn’t have to fall asleep, but I did need to be in bed, and that helped start the habit of falling asleep sooner.
Do you journal? - I had always tried in the past, but was unsuccessful in maintaining it. Still am! But when I am in a bad spot and struggling with cravings or emotions, it helps slow me down and take my mind off the catastrophe going on inside my mind. I dont need to be an avid journaler, but the tool is always there when I need it.
Are you willing to call me tomorrow? - This made me feel like people wanted to talk to me. I was so isolated and felt so unwanted and alone that having someone ask me to call them helped me feel like what I was doing to take care of myself was worth it. It also kept me accountable for my actions. It’s easy to ignore people and slip back into overeating. Calling someone helped me be honest about my actions and continued to give me hope.
Do you read recovery literature? - This helped me have stories of others’ success on hand when I couldn’t reach someone to talk to.
Are you willing to commit to attending at least one recovery meeting a week? - Committing to this structure and schedule has been so important for me because it forces me to be seen, in person, as I am, at least once a week. It takes me out of my isolation, allows me to connect more, and gives me the gift of checking in with other recovery members.
Don’t Be Overwhelmed!
I know there are a lot of questions, but don’t be overwhelmed! I am not asking you to answer all of these today. If you have not tried to get help for your compulsive eating behaviors yet, I can see how this would feel like biting off a whole lot more than you can chew! I can also see how some of the questions can be confusing for you if you are not in recovery.
The goal here is to show you that these questions created different solutions to my ongoing issue because I had to think of answers I never thought of before.
Rather than going back to bingeing, dieting, overexercising, restricting, etc., I had the options of following a meal plan, journaling, reading, going to a meeting, or calling someone on the phone list.
Those were solutions I did not have before coming into recovery because I couldn’t even think outside that keyhole mindset!
To put it plainly, recovery widened my perspective. I had to be willing to have that perspective widened, but in my desperation, it happened for me. Seeing more solutions and giving them a shot created this snowball effect that led me here, writing this!
I truly believe if you decide to seek recovery, it will widen your keyhole to the size of an open door. Your world won’t be so limited to the same old insane cycles you're used to. Instead, you’ll gain options you never thought were available to you.
Being sick-in-self focuses our minds on the things that keep us sick. But recovery limits the sickness’s power and gives us just enough bravery to try something different. Those different things we try can lead us to become abstinent. The only question I want you to answer is this: Are you willing to try something different, just for today?
If so, Contact me and tell me a bit more about you! I would love to see if any of my suggestions will help you, or at the very least, if we can have an encouraging and hopeful conversation.
Be well!