What is Abstinence?
Before getting into recovery, the word “abstinence” was not a word I used very much, or really at all. Honestly, I thought it only had to do with not having sex. Now, I say it every single day because of how important the action of being abstinent is to me.
I’m sure most people know what the word “abstinence” means, but for those who may not, here is the Webster's dictionary definition:
The practice of abstaining from something: the practice of not doing or having something that is wanted or enjoyable.
In recovery, however, abstinence has a very specific definition. The definition of “Abstinent” as it applies to compulsive eating and other compulsive/disordered eating behaviors is as follows:
The action of refraining from compulsive eating and compulsive food behaviors while working towards or maintaining a healthy body weight.
Another way I like to think about it is being “sober” from binge foods and compulsive eating/food behaviors.
Let’s Break It Down
When I first got into recovery, I misunderstood the meaning of abstinence. I thought I just needed to eat less food or eat less often. However, if it were that easy, it wouldn’t cause me to obsess over food for the last 20+ years!
I want to take a second to mention that every person I have had the pleasure of getting to know while being in recovery has shared with me that their definition of abstinence is personal and adapted for their own recovery. Below, I am going to break apart the definition and generalize the different parts. The part about binge foods may or may not apply to you. The ultimate goal is to stop eating compulsively. Whether that means you can become abstinent with or without avoiding your binge foods is entirely up to you.
From what I have been taught, abstinence has several parts to it. The first is being honest enough with ourselves to recognize our binge foods — foods we cannot eat safely or sanely.
Honesty
Binge foods are foods or ingredients that we cannot have “just one” of. They are foods that we cannot control ourselves around and usually provoke us to eat a whole lot more of the same food or other foods after the first bite.
Have you ever gone to a potluck or a family get-together and circled the food table(s) like a shark, hunting for your favorites? Have you ever had one bite of a certain food and then single-handedly finished off 50%, 75%, or more of what’s been brought to the party? Have you planned out exactly what you were gonna eat, how often, and how much? Did you fill your plate several times and proceed to finish every bite, every time?
I have. -raises hand-
Being fearlessly honest is vital to becoming abstinent.
Creating a binge foods list is going to be extremely helpful and highly recommended. Typically, these lists include foods high in sugar, salt, and fats, like cake, pizza, donuts, fast food, and chocolate. However, not all binge foods fall under those categories. If you would like an example of a binge foods list, I have mine written out in my “Binge Foods” post!
Binge foods are foods that you know for a fact will either BE the binge or START the binge once you take the first bite. Either way, they cannot be consumed in a calm, detached, and controlled manner, and they cannot be put down after 1 bite (being able to put it down after that 1 bite and then finishing it off later in private is still considered compulsive, by the way). Sticking to the serving size, practicing moderation or intuitive eating, or having “just one” is not possible for compulsive eaters.
What is Compulsive Eating?
The second part of understanding the abstinence definition is knowing what compulsive eating looks like. By becoming self-aware of the behavior(s), it’s easier to recognize when you are partaking in them. The more you see yourself doing this, the more willing you may become towards stopping.
The best way I can describe compulsive eating is by telling a story:
When I was a kid, I loved to stick my fingers or utensils into jars/containers and lick the contents off – like peanut butter, frosting, Nutella, sweet yogurts, mayonnaise, and applesauce!
One weekend growing up, my mom got out of bed before noon and decided to make the whole family some breakfast. As we all began wandering toward the smell of bacon and pancakes in the kitchen, she began to assign each of us a helping role. I was tasked with toasting and buttering the bread.
Easy enough.
Since this task couldn’t be done until the last second, I stood next to the toaster and an open stick of softened butter, a knife gripped so tightly in my hand that the metal handle started to warm.
During the 5-10 minutes I waited to do my part, that stick of butter just kept looking at me, calling to me. My body was noticeably restless; I couldn’t stop swaying from side to side, biting my lower lip, touching my hair, shaking my knee up and down, resting against the counter, and then standing straight up again. I was crawling out of my own skin.
You’d think it would be the BREAD calling my name! Ha. That would be too “normal”.
I tried to focus on soothing my restlessness by using the chaos around me as another distraction. My brothers were bickering as they placed the plates and cups on the table. One of my sisters was very meticulously placing the napkins and utensils onto each placemat, trying to steer clear of my brother’s jabs. My mom was stressing about the pancakes being slightly burnt. My dad was muttering, “Jan, they're fine,” as he stuck his fingers in the pan of scrambled eggs still cooking on the stove top. And my oldest sister was getting all the condiments, ice, and drinks on the table, annoyed by everyone’s emotionally unregulated behavior.
It was like Cheaper by the Dozen in this bitch.
In addition to my restlessness, some irritability and discontent began to rise inside my body. I think you can guess what happened next – I plunged that ready-to-go butter knife right down one end of the stick, cut off a larger-than-tablespoon chunk, and popped that sucker right into my mouth!
Honestly, it tasted awful. And the slimy, greasy texture was even worse. But the relief I felt? Euphoria.
As crazy as this sounds, I knew the bacon, pancakes, toast, eggs, fruit, and orange juice were the answer to my emotional problem, but I NEEDED something to eat in that moment of overwhelming emotions. I needed to be soothed. The butter was just to get me through until I could eat what I really wanted and couldn’t stop obsessing over.
THAT is the compulsive overeating behavior.
When I saw certain foods, or couldn’t divert my focus from eating, there was never any other thought; my body just moved straight to food, and I was no longer present or in control.
As if I were a puppet on strings, and the food was my puppeteer.
What About Restricting and/or Purging? Are Those Compulsive Behaviors?
Yes! The concept of compulsive eating behaviors is the same for an anorexic or a bulimic, except the methods in which they act compulsively are different.
Some people see food and feel fear, lack of safety, and disgust. Their bodies could be starving, but the fear of getting fat (for example) may be so ingrained, the immense fear stops them from eating.
Additionally, certain people feel so much guilt for eating (even if they do not overeat) that they remove it from their bodies. This is called purging, and the most commonly known form of purging is forcibly throwing up.
Other forms of purging have earned recognition over the years, such as exercise bulimia, the use of laxatives or water pills, cleanses, and even fasting. Read about the many forms of anorexia and bulimia in my “Various Compulsive Eating Behaviors” post.
Either way you slice it, these behaviors are compulsive.
We could spend lifetimes discussing where they come from, why they’re part of our psychology, or analyzing the trauma they’re linked to. But truthfully, that would be a waste of time for those looking for relief.
We already know why we do it (even if we can’t admit it yet) – we don’t like ourselves, we don’t feel like we are enough, or we are constantly searching for something outside ourselves to soothe the uncomfortable feelings inside.
Doesn’t matter who or what caused our self-destructive behaviors; the fact remains – we want to fix, manage, and control the parts of ourselves, or the opinions of others, that we do not like.
Let’s keep it simple and focused, shall we? Acknowledging that you partake in compulsive food behaviors and becoming willing to find a solution to arrest this illness is the second part of the abstinence definition. Everything else? Just unnecessary semantics at this point.
“Action of Refraining From…”
The third aspect of the abstinence definition is being willing to stop eating the foods listed on your binge foods list and/or being willing to stop using compulsive eating behaviors.
“But Connie, you just made it seem like compulsive food behaviors aren’t a choice. So how can I stop?”
I am so glad you asked! The word “willing” is the operative word here. Being willing means there is willpower. And if there is anything a disorder eater lacks, it is NOT willpower.
I will say it again.
Disordered eaters do not lack willpower! (Read my post “Willpower” for more)
Choosing to be willing, rather than choosing that the diet starts on Monday, takes the pressure off the expectation that we need to be “good” at eating/losing weight or be perfect at abstaining.
The truth is, you're probably going to struggle, feel like a weak little human, feel ashamed if you “relapse”, be super uncomfortable, be in a constant state of craving on certain days, throw a pity party, and might even stumble your way to consecutive days, weeks, months, and years of abstinence.
That is okay! Remember what recovery is – progress, not perfection!
In recovery, I have found that willingness actually helps people be more successful than being told to gut their fridge and replace everything with foods from a special diet promising 20lbs of weight loss in 60 days.
We have all been that person who tried a diet, lost weight, and then regained it. We had enough willpower to go on the diet, stay on the diet, and lose weight! It didn’t stick because, well, we are sick. We have an addiction to our eating behaviors. Big whoop.
Just because you believe you “failed” the diet when the weight came back, doesn’t mean you are a failure. You still managed to lose that weight! And if you're one of those people who managed to lose weight several times, that is definitely not failing. Your goal was to get poundage off the muffin top, right? If you achieved that, then technically, you succeeded.
You. Lost. Weight. Period.
The problem then lies in the regain due to compulsive eating always rearing its ugly head. And I promise you this - you just haven’t found the right, sustainable, and/or realistic solution to arrest the real problem.
So, what is the solution?
It’s you. And, if I may suggest, a recovery program.
You don’t need to pay for a calorie tracking app, a fitness gadget, a weight loss injection, a special diet program, or even weight loss surgery to arrest your illness.
You simply need to be willing to say no to the foods on your binge foods list, create a pause before every compulsive food behavior, and say “not today,” just for today, one day at a time.
“Working Towards and Maintaining a Healthy Body Weight”
The last part of the definition of abstinence is accepting that recovery is not a diet or a calorie-counting club. Nor is recovery just physical (read about how recovery is trifold in my “Mental, Physical, and Spiritual” post).
If it’s not a diet, then what does working towards and maintaining a healthy body weight mean exactly?
Well, to be frank, we first have to accept, without judgment, that being overweight is unhealthy.
If you are overweight, you are not a bad person, you are not disgusting, and you are not less-than. You still deserve love, compassion, empathy, and connection.
You are still worthy.
And as one of my favorite quotes states, “multiple things can exist at the same time,” we also know that carrying excess body fat is not safe for our organs, skeletal system, brain function, or longevity of life.
I have been over 300lbs for 15 years of my life. I reached well over 200lbs by the time I turned 12, and I’ve been 5’4 since I was 11. If anyone knows how hard it is to be extra obese, it’s ya homie right here.
I know, logically, that my body cannot handle that much excess weight as I age. If I do not work toward a healthier body weight, whatever that looks like for me, I could inevitably get diabetes, high blood pressure, have a heart attack, or some unforeseen illness.
If you're starting to feel an increase in anxiety, take a deep breath. You didn’t gain this weight overnight, and you’re not gonna lose it that fast either. As I have emphasized, diets and calorie counting are not the solution, but I have a suggestion that could be! (It's worked for thousands of compulsive eaters already).
The Recovery Meal Plans
The recovery program that I attend offers any newcomer a welcome packet that thoroughly discusses what the program is all about. That packet suggests 4 different types of meal plans to gain control over compulsive eating.
Personally, I chose meal plan #1 – it’s like the OG plan. They also call it 3-0-1, which stands for “3 times a day, 0 in between, 1 day at a time.” (Read my post on the Meal Plans if you want to give one a shot). From my understanding, the plans are suggestive, but most people don’t find physical recovery without following one. And if you're confused on the difference between weight loss and physical recovery, I have a post on that, too!
I have found my meal plan to be incredibly helpful! It does not tell me which foods I can and cannot eat, it’s not a list of meals I am forced to try, and it’s not something I am married to.
Additionally, it can be flexible, if needed, but it’s not meant to allow binge foods or alcohol. The specifics of my meal plan were slightly altered by a dietitian who works with disordered eaters, but I still only eat 3 times a day with 1 optional snack. So, yes, your plan can be flexible, but anything that bends too much always breaks.
I have read story after story of people getting into recovery, working a meal plan, and losing 50, 100, 200, and even 400 pounds, and maintaining the loss! They rejoice that they didn’t need to do a crazy diet or insane workout routines to achieve that success; they just followed a recovery-designed meal plan and worked the tools in the recovery program.
Essentially, the meal plans –
Provide structure around food (eating a certain number of times a day)
Teach us what a fueling meal looks like (lists the components and amounts for well-rounded meals)
Creates freedom from the illness (frees up space in our minds to focus on other parts of life)
Gives clarity (learning our bodies’ true hunger, fullness, and satiety signals)
Grants peace of mind (rarely having to guess what/when we’re going to eat).
These are essential for our recovery because they give us a stable routine and emotional safety. By not eating our binge foods and following whichever meal plan we choose, food loses its power over us.
I’ll admit, I was resistant to the meal plan at first. The lack of structure and chaotic emotional roller coaster was fun for me, most of the time. But if I'm being transparent, I want what I want, I want it how I want it, and I want it now. Whaa Whaa Whaa cried the whittle baby.
The meal plan forced me to stop acting like a child and surrender to the fact that if “my way” worked so well, I wouldn’t need the help, I would have lost that excess weight, or maybe never gained it in the first place! I clearly didn’t know what was best for me regarding food, and since my perspective was, and can be, so limited, I need to humble myself enough to the idea that I don’t actually know what the frick I'm doing.
The sooner you come to terms with the fact that when left to your own devices and methods, you make poor decisions around food, the sooner you will find abstinence. It might take a few tries, but every time you try, you're one step closer to sustained abstinence.
Every attempt builds resilience, and knowing what following a meal plan feels like for a day means it can be done again. Repeat that process every day and woolah. Abstinence.
Let’s Review
I know this post was long and in-depth, but bear with me a bit longer while I review what you have learned.
The definition of abstinence regarding recovery from compulsive eating behaviors can be broken down into the following -
1) Being honest with yourself. Write down (on pen and paper) what your binge foods are and what your compulsive eating behaviors include. Be honest about the foods/behaviors you cannot stop thinking about and have a hard time having “just one” of. An example of a binge foods list can be found here.
2) Understanding what compulsive eating looks like. This is where you become more self-aware of your day-to-day actions around food. Gaining this awareness makes it harder to keep rationalizing the behaviors. If you're still wondering if you are a compulsive eater or not, check out this post!
3) Being willing to refrain from compulsive eating and eating your binge foods. It can take time to stop compulsively eating and/or to stop eating the foods on your binge foods list. Being willing, just for today, is all that is needed of you to start. Are you willing, just for today, to not eat anything on that list or eat compulsively?
4) Working toward building healthier habits. Being overweight is unhealthy for our bodies, not a judgment of morality or character. Accepting this makes it easier to stop judging ourselves and instead begin working toward or maintaining a healthy body weight. The meal plans are a great place to start for learning how to feed ourselves, which can help us gain physical recovery.
Abstinence is not a cure, but again and again it has been regarded as the MOST important part of recovery. Without abstinence, we cannot be present. Our lives will pass us by, our connections will suffer, and our inner turmoil will only bury us deeper.
Truthfully, we have nothing good to offer anyone when we are not abstinent.
BUT when we are abstinent, we are cleared from the food fog and can live life fully present and connected to what matters to us.
This post isn’t meant to make you feel pressure, but to give you a simple solution. Notice, I said “simple” and not “easy”! This will not happen overnight; it will take time! But being patient and willing to give it a whole-hearted try, just for today, might just change your life!